Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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