I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
