No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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