I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
