You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
