3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
