he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
