I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
