idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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