I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
