when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
