someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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