Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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