All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
