meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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