I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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