i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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