So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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