It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
