I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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