my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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