I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
