I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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