You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
