so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
