a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
