I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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