I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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