had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dignity is for republicans.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
