if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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