I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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