you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
