for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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