More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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