Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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