I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
