I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
