she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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