As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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