my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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