You made me cry and you don't even care
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Semen is not good for contacts.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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