dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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