Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
