Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
