saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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