You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
