she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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