he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
