So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
