My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
