If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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