someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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